He Doesn’t Care: A message to myself.

As much as you thought he did he never even thought about you the way you had done with him. He never curiously wondered between text what would come out of the friendship, what would come from whatever was happening; the only thing he cared about was the attention he was getting, the attention he was seeking from any girl, ANYONE, who would give it.

What are you doing?

Watching a movie.

Oh, I shouldn’t be distracting you.

I’d much rather be talking to you 🙂

Lies. Those words, every last text, they were all lies. Every text, every sideways glance, every single movement, word, or look. They meant so much more to you than they ever would to him. And I don’t think you can truly and fully grasp the idea that it will never happen. He isn’t your knight in shining armor, he isn’t going to be the football player you run to after a Friday night win, and he will never be the person that you look over at when you’re sitting in the passenger seat on a Saturday night.

You told yourself these things. And maybe they were true for a second, maybe he felt the same for a moment, just a moment; but forever doesn’t wait for a minute. Forever keeps going and going and sooner or later you will have to realize that he isn’t in your forever. Why ever remember text messages from five months ago? Why keep texting him things that you know will only get a one word reply? Why cry when you see another girl get into his car?

If we’re being honest, he doesn’t deserve you. And I know, I know that you think you deserve him and all his quirks and all his clever lines. But you don’t. He wasn’t made for you. God didn’t make his purpose to be your high school or college boyfriend. His life is not yours. So stop trying to make it that way. If he can’t see that you’re the best possible thing to happen to him, then why not just move on to someone who will.

He won’t bring you flowers on your opening night as Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors. He won’t call you up one day and express his undying love for you. He won’t walk up to your car and kiss you like you’ve been wanting him to for the past eight months. None of this is going to happen because it was all fabricated into your mind. It was all scenarios that you made up. He isn’t an actor on a movie set, he isn’t something that can just pop into existence.

He is a boy. He is a guy who just so happen to have walked into your life and made you fall head over heels in {literally} a matter of seconds.

So it’s time to stop, for real this time, it’s time for you to pick up your heart and for you to move on. Put your little house in the small town of Lover Town, U.S.A up for sale and get that apartment in Independence City. It’s time that you set aside your childish crush, and hold yourself to a new standard.

Love,

You

 

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Maybe…

maybe {may•be} (noun) : a mere possibility or probability

Life is full of maybe’s. And through out my life, I know that I have probably used “maybe” as an answer to more than a dozen questions that come up day to day. But the funny thing is that the word “maybe” makes me unbelievably anxious.

When God decided He had a purpose for my life and began making me, He must have skipped out on the bottle of patience because I have none. You can ask my mom, my best friend, even my English teacher could tell you my patience is at an all time low. So whenever something comes up and people reply with “maybe”, my mind goes wheeling into impossible theories as to why they wouldn’t want to answer whatever I asked with a straight yes or no. Here’s about what my mind looks like-

“Oh, they said maybe…It could happen…Or it could not happen.”

“Well, they said maybe. I’ll have to wait and see.”

Recently, I had some kind of thing with this guy. I’m saying a thing because I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to call whatever happened with this guy. On multiple occasions I would suggest that we hang out (you know-go eat, see a movie…Just normal friend stuff) and his answer would always be a “maybe”. Of course, I wanted more out of this thing than he EVER did and I, being me, was actually trying to get him to ask me on a date. {Side Note: A guy should pursue the girl, not the other way around. If he doesn’t have the guts to ask you out, don’t bother with trying to flirt your way into a relationship. But that’s another story for another time.} That little two syllable word would give me SO much hope for what I was hoping to come out of the thing that was going on. And when we talked about what we were looking for I brought up the subject of us and if we would ever be more than friends and his answer was just the same as always…

Maybe…

I pondered over this “car talk” for days. I just kept telling myself that in a few months this guy would be taking me to prom and we’d be dating and we’d meet each others parents and we’d have a merry-go-lucky time together. I thought that this maybe was going to lead to the greatest year of my life. Well, guess what. It didn’t. That maybe led to absolutely nothing. Because some times maybes aren’t meant to be.

But hey, I know that there’s going to be another maybe out there someday that will end up being a yes. And between you and me, I’m way more excited for that maybe than I ever was for this one.

Another example of a time where I learned about my indifference with the word maybe was when I was fourteen.

I was searching endlessly for my calling from God. And this was in the dead middle of church camp season, so I was getting my Jesus on and basically repeatedly asking God to tell me what He wanted out of my life. Then, one day during this camp season, my youth pastor at the time sat down with me in the tabernacle of the camp grounds and told me that MAYBE why God wasn’t revealing the things I wanted was because I was to blinded by all the distractions in my life.

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. HOLD UP. Distractions? Like what?

Oh…Yeah…That boy you’ve been obsessing over that is WAY too old for you but you’re going to like him anyways. Oh, and that one thing that you don’t want to tell yourself is a sin but it clearly is…THAT’S what he meant younger Kelly.

This maybe angered me and it upset me. How dare the man of Godly leadership in my life challenge my heart! How dare he notice that I wasn’t making the smartest choices, then come and tell me that what I’m doing wrong is causing my relationship with God to falter! (Can you hear the sarcasm in the older, wiser Kelly’s voice?) This realization made me bitter, and completely give up on the idea that God had a bigger purpose for my life. But thankfully, God didn’t give up on me.

So with all this being said, I believe that maybes are meant to give hope. Maybes are there to encourage. Keeping that in mind,and going back to my youth pastor story, maybes can also be something that can tear people down. Maybes can hurt people and cause stress or anxiety. I certainly get impatient when people tell me maybe and then don’t get back to me as soon as possible. Yes, patience is something I need to work on but, one lesson I’ve learned through the years is that if you pray for patience God is just going to throw you as many things as he can to help you get that answered prayer.

*Cue flashbacks of teaching a kindergarten age Sunday school class*

We also have maybes about what we want to do. Whether it be day to day or really life changing decisions.

With me, the topic has been school/the future. Am I going to major in music? Maybe. Am I going to go to a Christian based college? Maybe. Am I going to get married by 25? Maybe. Or it’s something stupid, like everyday situations. Am I going to eat Mexican for dinner? Maybe. Am I going to get in bed before ten? Maybe. Am I going to wear my hair up today? Maybe.

Every day we make maybe an answer to a question that we won’t know that answer to till later, or an answer to something we WANT to put off until we HAVE to find the answer. In the long run it will be better to give ourselves or others a definite answer.

So the lesson I’ve learned from maybes is to not rely so much on them that I:

A. Get my heart broken and smashed into a million pieces.

B. Miss out on all the wonderful things God has in store.

Or

C. Live a life full of maybes, but never find the yes or no answer.

“Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times.”

~Romans 12:12

Hearts & Rockets,

Kelly

 

Boys Will be Boys

I’ve heard this phrase since I was a little girl. It seems to have come into almost every conversation I’ve had with my mom since I entered middle school. At first, little naive me didn’t know what Momma Cole was talking about, nor why none of the boys in my grade ever wanted to “ask me out”. {I’m not sure why I believed that I could be “taken out” in middle school but that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.} I’ve been sick the last couple of days, and as I laid in bed surrounded by Gatorade bottle and tissues, I began thinking on this subject.

Boys will be boys has come up in social media a lot over the last couple of years. The young women who speak against this phrase shout their opinions loudly but what I think about this phrase is totally different than what these young women are screaming about. I believe that the phrase “boys will be boys” is a way to explain what just how immature, and ever changing boys feelings are, not MEN but BOYS. There is a difference, and I bet all the twenty-something year old women know what I’m talking about. Men are courageous, men truly know how to treat the women in their lives, and men are servants in God’s kingdom. Boys are arrogant, boys are wishy-washy, and some boys are still trying to find their place in the kingdom.

Earlier this week I went to a funeral with my grandparents and my mother, it was in Bossier City and I wanted to look my best considering I would be seeing people I haven’t seen in months/years(not to mention a boy or two that I had crushed on). I worried about how my hair looked and how my shirt was wrinkly, I wanted to show just how pretty I wanted to be for these people. My grandparents, mom and I walked into the church; my head held high and my shoulders rolled back. As the visitation went on, countless member of our extend family, and people in our church who had made the hour and fifteen minute journey to BC, expressed to my mother and I, how beautiful I was. I would thank them, with a smile and a slight blush, but a thought was itching to escape my lips, so I asked mom once we settled into out seats.

“So, why do so many men say that I’m beautiful, but boys have never even looked at me like that?”

My mom smirked as she answered, “Because boys don’t know what to look for.”

I thought this over. I thought long and hard, even on the way home it raced through my head. So am I pretty or not?

I would like to hope that the answer is yes, but why? Why after never having, but maybe one or two, ever tell me they liked me? The answer to this is very simple.

The God who created me sees me as the most beautiful thing He has ever created. He has clothed me in strength and dignity, He has given me the courage to laugh without fear of the future, He says that I am far more precious than rubies or any jewel, and He loves me…Endlessly. So, why should the thoughts and actions of any boy change that? Why should I feel inferior when I have a God who created me with a purpose for my life in mind?

God is making me into a Proverbs 31 woman for the Job 29 man who will come into my life. And I, without a doubt, know that my man of God is out there waiting for me; my mom has prayed too many prayers for my siblings and I to have Godly spouses, and I have prayed more prayers than I can count on all twenty appendages for him and his walk with God/his walk towards meeting me. But until we meet, until we become whatever God has in plan for us, there will be boys who come in and try to sweep me off my feet; until we find each other, there will be boys who sweet talk their way into my heart, and there my even be men who try and take me away, but God’s plan is always greater.

A boy’s idea of me, and how he “rates” me, will never overpower the fact that God claims me as one of His beautiful daughters, and why would He give one of His daughters away to someone He wouldn’t know is perfect for me, someone He didn’t know, someone who isn’t going to draw me deeper into His grace and His plan? Why waste your time on boys who are really just frogs when God has a prince waiting out there for you on a white stallion, ready to save you from the world of boys?

Boys will be boys, but one day they will be men. They will grow into being courageous, being the man that treats the women in his life with love and respect, and being the servants that God has called him to be in His kingdom.

Finding Grace

You know when life decides to say, “Hey! I know it’s going good right now, but here’s that curve ball you didn’t see coming!”. Yeah, my life decided to do that to me this week.

When I began high school, a couple years ago, someone told me that my friend group would change. I didn’t believe this person AT ALL, but looking back now, I finally see what they were talking about. High school is a time of growth and a time of finding out who and what you are in the huge world we live in. It’s not necessarily a time to find your bridesmaids, though I have a friend or two that I know will probably end up standing beside me at the altar, or a time to find your soul mate. For some, maybe. But for me, it’s just not going to happen.

It was hard to realize this at first. On Monday of this week my life seemed to be a-okay, other than a few things that had been reeking chaos in my brain for a few weeks, and I continued on my merry way. This was until I made the wrong decision to get to the bottom of what had been troubling my mind, and that’s when all of hell broke loose.

Do you remember when you started making friends in Pre-K? You could just walk up to someone and then automatically be best friends, and they seemed like they would be your best friends for life, but time went on and you would separate? That’s what happened this week, but on a larger and older scale. I guess God decided that it was time to throw one of those curve balls. But let’s get some background, shall we?

A little over a year ago, I had what I like to call “The East Wind” come in. I was broken hearted, but I survived. And I just felt like I knew that God would never do something like that to me again because my lesson was learned. Flash foreword a year later and about the same thing is happening that had happened the previous year. But this time it’s different. This time it’s like I have no one to go to.

Why was I such a bad person, what had happened to make me become something that someone would want to push away? I understand that God gives you lessons to learn from but goodness gracious, He had never sent me something like this.

But I know, that in the midst of the trial there will be doors opened, doors that will lead me deeper into the grace of God.

So what’s the whole point of this blog I’m starting up? Why, all of a sudden, do I feel like it’s time to get all this stuff out of my head and typed onto a desktop? It’s simple really, I want to write down what this crazy adventure we call life leads me to. I want to document what God is doing and what His future for my life holds. So that’s why this blog is called Finding Grace, because I am taking y’all with me on the ride of a lifetime.

“She believed in His plan, even when she couldn’t see His path.”

Heart & Rockets,

Kelly